// by pavel gitnik
i love our culture. it's the bedrock of everything i know -- and love. i didn't come out of the womb drawing cartoons, or telling jokes, or asking big questions. i didn't know what spiders were, or bears, or soup bowls. all these things were taught to me, from the concepts, to the words, to the best practices of how to use them (a spoon is best for liquid delivery from bowl to mouth -- not to sound too didactic!).
sure, i was asking questions, but they were small. through patterns, through the need for "adult responsibility", the drive to expand and be "more than just little ole me", i learned (and enjoyed) taking on the vastness of inquiry -- who we are, what we're here to do, "what can i do?"
i remember thinking of how good it felt seeing things get better, problems be solved, solutions found. making others feel good was a natural delight, beyond just what i could feel by simply enjoying myself, alone. i remember wishing more people would recognize that outcompeting your neighbor felt great but that helping him was a bigger "stunt" (show-off). you feel more powerful, you win even more.
not that you allow being taken advantage of -- because that stunts (the other kind of stunt) your ability to help the next person, kills your mood. i never believed in martyrdom. perhaps christianity (of which i am both not a part and a part -- i am jewish but live in a primarily christian world) with all its teachings of jesus, is making the larger point that you don't need to be a martyr -- because jesus already did that for you. loan as much as you can lose. help as much as you can without killing your infrastructure. don't give the wheels of your car, but you can easily give the shirt off your back. (then drive to the store and get another shirt -- or order one online, ha!).
martyrdom is cynical -- operates on the assumption of lack, zero-sum.
but our culture, and i've been noticing this for a long time now (before what most people consider watershed moments of shift), makes cynicism a sort of intellectual pursuit. a sort of sexual selection strategy. rattling problems makes you "aware", "smart", "sophisticated". naivete is painted as childish, not worth serious consideration. not knowing is "dumb". thinking things will work out is "wishful thinking".
and why is cynicism sexy? well of course, because that signals a mate you can stay home with, watch tv, and maybe even have sex (which you rarely actually get to). it protects you against getting entangled with someone who leaves the house and comes home day after day empty-handed. you can brag to your friends -- my "man" found what he was looking for. the vase arrived on my doorstep from amazon prime, just as we had expected. and what a vase it is! look, it's a vase! just how i thought a vase would look. "don't try anything too hard", "don't get too lofty", "publish about how you feel and others will see themselves in your ennui". "a million man march to the couch".
this is odd, because i always thought that a large part of being a "man" was making people feel that "things will be ok". i don't think you need to know how. just that it will. not that you have to "do it yourself", with your own brawn, or even brains -- just that your heart knows that there is a solution and that you'll find it. if that's naive (and it is, in the best way) then that's exactly what we need. naivete (or not knowing, the excitement that comes pre-discovery) isn't childish. it's youthful. and youth is attractive.
they say "from the mouth of babes..." but most often, you don't have kids around to steer you clear. you have to generate that fresh perspective, openness, and wide-eyed inquiry yourself. and the more mature you get, the older, the heavier your crown -- the more you need that sense that a solution is around some corner and that your job is to keep your energy up, your spirits, so that you could run around peeking.
i saw a grizzled man at the checkout line at HEB yesterday. he had a steely gray outfit on, clear frames, and silver joggers tapered, showing his ankles. a swanly stork of a figure ending in puffy nike sneaks. hair spiked. he had his son with him. probably a tech guy, or an architect, or an owner of a marketing agency, surely. and as i admired his fit, his refusal to age, i found his face. glaring. looking around, for threats (i couldn't imagine befalling at the grocery store). crown fell so heavy it covered his dainty anks. "too bad", i thought. "oh well".
scanning for miracles would make sense. scanning for "i don't know what" didn't.
the idea that we have everything we need somewhere is grand. that idea that all we have is what we see is stupid. this is why martyrdom, which i mentioned before, is a cynical gait. "to give to another, i must dismantle myself" is cute in the short term (very short term) but ultimately futile.
pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is also an oversimplification of reality. i'm not saying, worry about yourself, get yourself "good" and then let others copy you. that's not real. you can't pull on something that is attached to you into the sky. there's gravity. but there are also rocks, ledges, trash cans, trees, tables, and everything else you can think of to stand on. don't pull. jump on something.
and your problem is most likely someone else's solution. their problem is most likely your ledge.
i know what i enjoy. it's making pictures, sounds, playing with ideas. now at 38, i've noticed this hasn't changed much since i was a kid. the details may have, the media, the means of production -- but not the drive. seeing people use what i make, enjoy it, incorporate it into their lives, get "aha!" moments -- that's an evolving constant at best. everyone's need for inspiration, for jolting out of negative moods, for seeing possibilities -- that hasn't changed either. not only do i enjoy making stuff, but people need the stuff i make.
i've tried to "monetize" what i do for a while. and there were times it wasn't clear how to go about that. i could view the desire to create art and "wax poetic" as a problem. after all, they're hiring at mcdonald's, and the local law firm. but once you learn media, sales, marketing, math, and the fundamental realities of culture -- you can see a clear path.
the fact that most saw dead-ends where i was trying to find paths became the opening through which i could walk. other people's problems became my solutions. my problems became theirs. when i looked at society, i didn't see a mirror. i saw a window. a collection of people with the same drives as me, same hopes, but somehow i've avoided the tar that fell on their glasses.
i didn't find enumerating problems sexy, protesting the "system" as a generative act. agreeing with the wise men around me didn't make me feel "at home" or that i belonged. i think i can only reach that if i truly help. make the wise ever wiser. even if it's with something naive, something patient, something we don't have words for yet.
i'm still a kid in many ways, playing with blocks.
these might be computers, might be shapes, colors, digital ads, high falutin words, lofty ideas. these might be pieces of dreams, or prose from a passed-on philosopher, or the movements of ants on rocks under a tree. but i build them into a tower, with sound structure. one that can withstand wind and rain, and the loud echoes of "the titanic is sinking!" we oh so often hear.
this isn't a moralistic stance. this is practical. our artists shouldn't all be huddled in corners, clutching themselves in heroin induced stupors -- this isn't brilliance, not today. the system provides with the same hand it takes. and if you take, then you can give. if you see, then you can build.
if you start with not knowing, then you can look.
and that's sexy.